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The First Part of Henry IV:
Act 2, Scene 1


  *        Enter a CARRIER with a lantern in his hand.

      First Carrier
  1   Heigh-ho! an it be not four by the day, I'll be
  2   hanged: Charles' wain is over the new chimney, and
  3   yet our horse not packed. What, ostler!

      Ostler [Within.]

  4   Anon, anon.

      First Carrier
  5   I prithee, Tom, beat Cut's saddle, put a few flocks
  6   in the point; poor jade, is wrung in the withers out
  7   of all cess.

           Enter another CARRIER.

      Second Carrier
  8   Peas and beans are as dank here as a dog,
  9   and that is the next way to give poor jades the
 10   bots: this house is turned upside down since Robin
 11   Ostler died.

      First Carrier
 12   Poor fellow, never joyed since the price of oats
 13   rose; it was the death of him.

      Second Carrier
 14   I think this be the most villanous house in all
 15   London road for fleas: I am stung like a tench.

      First Carrier
 16   Like a tench! by the mass, there is ne'er a
 17   king christen could be better bit than I have been since
 18   the first cock.

      Second Carrier
 19   Why, they will allow us ne'er a jordan, and then we
 20   leak in your chimney; and your chamber-lie breeds
 21   fleas like a loach.

      First Carrier
 22   What, ostler! come away and be hanged!
 23   come away.

      Second Carrier
 24   I have a gammon of bacon and two razes of ginger,
 25   to be delivered as far as Charing-cross.

      First Carrier
 26   God's body! the turkeys in my pannier are quite
 27   starved. What, ostler! A plague on thee! hast thou
 28   never an eye in thy head? canst not hear? An
 29   'twere not as good deed as drink, to break the pate
 30   on thee, I am a very villain. Come, and be hanged!
 31   hast thou no faith in thee?

           Enter GADSHILL.

      GADSHILL
 32   Good morrow, carriers. What's o'clock?

      First Carrier
 33   I think it be two o'clock.

      GADSHILL
 34   I pray thee lend me thy lantern, to see my gelding
 35   in the stable.

      First Carrier
 36   Nay, by God, soft; I know a trick worth
 37   two of that, i' faith.

      GADSHILL
 38   I pray thee, lend me thine.

      Second Carrier
 39   Ay, when? can'st tell? Lend me thy lantern, quoth
 40   he? marry, I'll see thee hanged first.

      GADSHILL
 41   Sirrah carrier, what time do you mean to
 42   come to London?

      Second Carrier
 43   Time enough to go to bed with a candle, I warrant
 44   thee. Come, neighbour Mugs, we'll call up the
 45   gentleman: they will along with company, for they
 46   have great charge.

           Exeunt [Carriers].

      GADSHILL
 47   What, ho! chamberlain!

           Enter Chamberlain.

      Chamberlain
 48   At hand, quoth pick-purse.

      GADSHILL
 49   That's even as fair as—at hand, quoth the
 50   chamberlain; for thou variest no more from picking
 51   of purses than giving direction doth from laboring;
 52   thou layest the plot how.

      Chamberlain
 53   Good morrow, Master Gadshill. It holds current that
 54   I told you yesternight: there's a franklin in the
 55   wild of Kent hath brought three hundred marks with
 56   him in gold: I heard him tell it to one of his
 57   company last night at supper; a kind of auditor; one
 58   that hath abundance of charge too, God knows what.
 59   They are up already, and call for eggs and butter;
 60   they will away presently.

      GADSHILL
 61   Sirrah, if they meet not with Saint Nicholas'
 62   clerks, I'll give thee this neck.

      Chamberlain
 63   No, I'll none of it: I pray thee keep that for the
 64   hangman; for I know thou worshippest St. Nicholas
 65   as truly as a man of falsehood may.

      GADSHILL
 66   What talkest thou to me of the hangman?
 67   if I hang, I'll make a fat pair of gallows; for if I hang,
 68   old Sir John hangs with me, and thou knowest he is no
 69   starveling. Tut! there are other Troyans that
 70   thou dreamest not of, the which for sport sake are
 71   content to do the profession some grace; that would, if
 72   matters should be looked into, for their own credit sake,
 73   make all whole. I am joined with no foot-land rakers,
 74   no long-staff sixpenny strikers, none of these mad
 75   mustachio purple-hued malt-worms; but with nobility
 76   and tranquillity, burgomasters and great oneyers,
 77   such as can hold in, such as will strike sooner than
 78   speak, and speak sooner than drink, and drink sooner
 79   than pray: and yet, zounds, I lie; for they pray
 80   continually to their saint, the commonwealth; or
 81   rather, not pray to her, but prey on her, for they ride
 82   up and down on her and make her their boots.

      Chamberlain
 83   What, the commonwealth their boots? will she
 84   hold out water in foul way?

      GADSHILL
 85   She will, she will; justice hath liquored her. We
 86   steal as in a castle, cocksure; we have the
 87   receipt of fern-seed, we walk invisible.

      Chamberlain
 88   Nay, by my faith, I think you are more
 89   beholding to the night than to fern-seed for your
 90   walking invisible.

      GADSHILL
 91   Give me thy hand: thou shalt have a share in our
 92   purchase, as I am a true man.

      Chamberlain
 93   Nay, rather let me have it, as you are a false
 94   thief.

      GADSHILL
 95   Go to; 'homo' is a common name to all men. Bid the
 96   ostler bring my gelding out of the stable. Farewell,
 97   you muddy knave.

           [Exeunt.]

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