|1 Henry IV Navigator||Scene Index||Notes||Previous Scene||Next Scene|
1 Ned, prithee, come out of that fat room, and lend
2 me thy hand to laugh a little.
3 Where hast been, Hal?
4 With three or four loggerheads amongst three
5 or four score hogsheads. I have sounded the
6 very base-string of humility. Sirrah, I am sworn
7 brother to a leash of drawers; and can call them all
8 by their christen names, as Tom, Dick, and Francis.
9 They take it already upon their salvation, that
10 though I be but the prince of Wales, yet I am king of
11 courtesy; and tell me flatly I am no proud Jack, like
12 Falstaff, but a Corinthian, a lad of mettle, a good boy,
13 by the Lord, so they call me, and when I am king of
14 England, I shall command all the good lads in
15 Eastcheap. They call drinking deep, dyeing scarlet;
16 and when you breathe in your watering, they cry
17 'hem!' and bid you play it off. To conclude, I am so
18 good a proficient in one quarter of an hour, that I can
19 drink with any tinker in his own language during
20 my life. I tell thee, Ned, thou hast lost much honor,
21 that thou wert not with me in this sweet action. But,
22 sweet Ned,to sweeten which name of Ned, I give thee
23 this pennyworth of sugar, clapped even now into my
24 hand by an under-skinker, one that never spake other
25 English in his life than 'Eight shillings and sixpence'
26 and 'You are welcome,' with this shrill addition,
27 'Anon, anon, sir! Score a pint of bastard in the
28 Half-Moon,' or so. But, Ned, to drive away the
29 time till Falstaff come, I prithee, do thou stand in
30 some by-room, while I question my puny drawer to
31 what end he gave me the sugar; and do thou never
32 leave calling 'Francis,' that his tale to me may be nothing
33 but 'Anon.' Step aside, and I'll show thee a precedent.
35 Thou art perfect.
37 Anon, anon, sir. Look down into the
38 Pomgarnet, Ralph.
39 Come hither, Francis.
40 My lord?
41 How long hast thou to serve, Francis?
42 Forsooth, five years, and as much as to
44 Anon, anon, sir.
45 Five year! by'r lady, a long lease for the clinking
46 of pewter. But, Francis, darest thou be so valiant
47 as to play the coward with thy indenture and show
48 it a fair pair of heels and run from it?
49 O Lord, sir, I'll be sworn upon all the books in
50 England, I could find in my heart.
52 Anon, sir.
53 How old art thou, Francis?
54 Let me seeabout Michaelmas next I shall
57 Anon, sir. Pray stay a little, my lord.
58 Nay, but hark you, Francis: for the sugar thou
59 gavest me,'twas a pennyworth, was't not?
60 O Lord, I would it had been two!
61 I will give thee for it a thousand pound: ask
62 me when thou wilt, and thou shalt have it.
64 Anon, anon.
65 Anon, Francis? No, Francis; but tomorrow, Francis;
66 or, Francis, o' Thursday; or indeed, Francis, when
67 thou wilt. But, Francis!
68 My lord?
69 Wilt thou rob this leathern jerkin, crystal-button,
70 not-pated, agate-ring, puke-stocking, caddis-garter,
71 smooth-tongue, Spanish-pouch,
72 O Lord, sir, who do you mean?
73 Why, then, your brown bastard is your only drink;
74 for look you, Francis, your white canvas doublet
75 will sully: in Barbary, sir, it cannot come to so much.
76 What, sir?
78 Away, you rogue! dost thou not hear them
** stands amazed, not knowing which
80 What, standest thou still, and hearest such
81 a calling? Look to the guests within.
82 My lord, old Sir John, with half-a-dozen
83 more, are at the door: shall I let them in?
84 Let them alone awhile, and then open the door.
86 Anon, anon, sir.
87 Sirrah, Falstaff and the rest of the thieves
88 are at the door: shall we be merry?
89 As merry as crickets, my lad. But hark ye;
90 what cunning match have you made with this
91 jest of the drawer? come, what's the issue?
92 I am now of all humours that have showed
93 themselves humors since the old days of goodman
94 Adam to the pupil age of this present twelve o'clock
95 at midnight.
96 What's o'clock, Francis?
97 Anon, anon, sir.
98 That ever this fellow should have fewer words than
99 a parrot, and yet the son of a woman! His industry is
100 upstairs and downstairs; his eloquence the parcel
101 of a reckoning. I am not yet of Percy's mind, the
102 Hotspur of the north; he that kills me some six or
103 seven dozen of Scots at a breakfast, washes his
104 hands, and says to his wife 'Fie upon this quiet
105 life! I want work.' 'O my sweet Harry,' says she,
106 'how many hast thou killed to-day?' 'Give my
107 roan horse a drench,' says he; and answers
108 'Some fourteen,' an hour after; 'a trifle, a trifle.'
109 I prithee, call in Falstaff: I'll play Percy, and
110 that damned brawn shall play Dame Mortimer
111 his wife. 'Rivo!' says the drunkard. Call in ribs,
112 call in tallow.
113 Welcome, Jack: where hast thou been?
114 A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance too!
115 marry, and amen! Give me a cup of sack, boy. Ere I
116 lead this life long, I'll sew nether stocks and mend
117 them and foot them too. A plague of all cowards!
118 Give me a cup of sack, rogue. Is there no virtue
120 Didst thou never see Titan kiss a dish of butter?
121 pitiful-hearted Titan, that melted at the sweet
122 tale of the sun's! if thou didst, then behold that
124 You rogue, here's lime in this sack too: there is
125 nothing but roguery to be found in villanous man:
126 yet a coward is worse than a cup of sack with lime
127 in it. A villanous coward! Go thy ways, old Jack;
128 die when thou wilt, if manhood, good manhood,
129 be not forgot upon the face of the earth, then am I
130 a shotten herring. There live not three good men
131 unhanged in England; and one of them is fat and
132 grows old: God help the while! a bad world, I say.
133 I would I were a weaver; I could sing psalms or
134 any thing. A plague of all cowards, I say still.
135 How now, wool-sack! what mutter you?
136 A king's son! If I do not beat thee out of thy
137 kingdom with a dagger of lath, and drive all thy
138 subjects afore thee like a flock of wild-geese, I'll
139 never wear hair on my face more. You Prince of Wales!
140 Why, you whoreson round man, what's the
142 Are not you a coward? answer me to that:
143 and Poins there?
144 'Zounds, ye fat paunch, an ye call me
145 coward, by the Lord, I'll stab thee.
146 I call thee coward! I'll see thee damned ere I call
147 thee coward: but I would give a thousand pound I
148 could run as fast as thou canst. You are straight
149 enough in the shoulders, you care not who sees
150 your back: call you that backing of your friends? A
151 plague upon such backing! give me them that will face
152 me. Give me a cup of sack: I am a rogue, if I drunk to-day.
153 O villain! thy lips are scarce wiped since thou
154 drunkest last.
155 All's one for that.
156 A plague of all cowards, still say I.
157 What's the matter?
158 What's the matter! there be four of us here have
159 ta'en a thousand pound this day morning.
160 Where is it, Jack? where is it?
161 Where is it! taken from us it is: a hundred upon
162 poor four of us.
163 What, a hundred, man?
164 I am a rogue, if I were not at half-sword with a
165 dozen of them two hours together. I have 'scaped
166 by miracle. I am eight times thrust through the
167 doublet, four through the hose; my buckler cut
168 through and through; my sword hacked like a
169 hand-sawecce signum! I never dealt better since
170 I was a man: all would not do. A plague of all
171 cowards! Let them speak: if they speak more or less
172 than truth, they are villains and the sons of darkness.
173 Speak, sirs; how was it?
174 We four set upon some dozen
175 Sixteen at least, my lord.
176 And bound them.
177 No, no, they were not bound.
178 You rogue, they were bound, every man of
179 them; or I am a Jew else, an Ebrew Jew.
180 As we were sharing, some six or seven
181 fresh men set upon us
182 And unbound the rest, and then come in
183 the other.
184 What, fought you with them all?
185 All! I know not what you call all; but if I fought
186 not with fifty of them, I am a bunch of radish: if
187 there were not two or three and fifty upon poor
188 old Jack, then am I no two-legged creature.
189 Pray God you have not murdered some of
191 Nay, that's past praying for: I have peppered two
192 of them; two I am sure I have paid, two rogues
193 in buckram suits. I tell thee what, Hal, if I tell
194 thee a lie, spit in my face, call me horse. Thou
195 knowest my old ward; here I lay and thus I bore
196 my point. Four rogues in buckram let drive at me
197 What, four? thou saidst but two even now.
198 Four, Hal; I told thee four.
199 Ay, ay, he said four.
200 These four came all a-front, and mainly thrust at
201 me. I made me no more ado but took all their
202 seven points in my target, thus.
203 Seven? why, there were but four even now.
204 In buckram?
205 Ay, four, in buckram suits.
206 Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.
207 Prithee, let him alone; we shall have more
209 Dost thou hear me, Hal?
210 Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.
211 Do so, for it is worth the listening to. These nine
212 in buckram that I told thee of
213 So, two more already.
214 Their points being broken,
215 Down fell their hose.
216 Began to give me ground: but I followed me close,
217 came in foot and hand; and with a thought seven of
218 the eleven I paid.
219 O monstrous! eleven buckram men grown
220 out of two!
221 But, as the devil would have it, three misbegotten
222 knaves in Kendal green came at my back and let
223 drive at me; for it was so dark, Hal, that thou couldst
224 not see thy hand.
225 These lies are like their father that begets them;
226 gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why, thou
227 clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou
228 whoreson, obscene, grease tallow-catch,
229 What, art thou mad? art thou mad? is not the
230 truth the truth?
231 Why, how couldst thou know these men in Kendal
232 green, when it was so dark thou couldst not see thy
233 hand? come, tell us your reason: what sayest thou
234 to this?
235 Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.
236 What, upon compulsion? 'Zounds, an I were at the
237 strappado, or all the racks in the world, I would
238 not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on
239 compulsion! If reasons were as plentiful as blackberries,
240 I would give no man a reason upon compulsion, I.
241 I'll be no longer guilty of this sin; this sanguine
242 coward, this bed-presser, this horseback-breaker,
243 this huge hill of flesh,
244 'Sblood, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried
245 neat's tongue, you bull's pizzle, you stock-fish!
246 O for breath to utter what is like thee! you
247 tailor's-yard, you sheath, you bowcase; you
248 vile standing-tuck,
249 Well, breathe awhile, and then to it again: and
250 when thou hast tired thyself in base comparisons,
251 hear me speak but this.
252 Mark, Jack.
253 We two saw you four set on four and bound them,
254 and were masters of their wealth. Mark now, how
255 a plain tale shall put you down. Then did we two
256 set on you four; and, with a word, out-faced you from
257 your prize, and have it; yea, and can show it you here
258 in the house: and, Falstaff, you carried your guts
259 away as nimbly, with as quick dexterity, and roared
260 for mercy and still run and roared, as ever I heard
261 bull-calf. What a slave art thou, to hack thy sword
262 as thou hast done, and then say it was in fight! What
263 trick, what device, what starting-hole, canst thou now
264 find out to hide thee from this open and apparent shame?
265 Come, let's hear, Jack; what trick hast thou
267 By the Lord, I knew ye as well as he that made ye.
268 Why, hear you, my masters: was it for me to kill the
269 heir-apparent? should I turn upon the true prince?
270 why, thou knowest I am as valiant as Hercules:
271 but beware instinct; the lion will not touch the
272 true prince. Instinct is a great matter; I was now
273 a coward on instinct. I shall think the better of
274 myself and thee during my life; I for a valiant
275 lion, and thou for a true prince. But, by the Lord,
276 lads, I am glad you have the money. Hostess,
277 clap to the doors: watch tonight, pray tomorrow.
278 Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold, all the titles
279 of good fellowship come to you! What, shall
280 we be merry? shall we have a play extempore?
281 Content; and the argument shall be thy
282 running away.
283 Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me!
284 O Jesu, my lord the prince!
285 How now, my lady the hostess! what sayest
286 thou to me?
287 Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the court at
288 door would speak with you: he says he comes from
289 your father.
290 Give him as much as will make him a royal
291 man, and send him back again to my mother.
292 What manner of man is he?
293 An old man.
294 What doth gravity out of his bed at
295 midnight? Shall I give him his answer?
296 Prithee, do, Jack.
297 'Faith, and I'll send him packing.
298 Now, sirs: by'r lady, you fought fair; so did you,
299 Peto; so did you, Bardolph: you are lions too, you
300 ran away upon instinct, you will not touch the true
301 prince; no, fie!
302 'Faith, I ran when I saw others run.
303 'Faith, tell me now in earnest, how came Falstaff's
304 sword so hacked?
305 Why, he hacked it with his dagger, and said he would
306 swear truth out of England but he would make you
307 believe it was done in fight, and persuaded us to do
308 the like.
309 Yea, and to tickle our noses with spear-grass to
310 make them bleed, and then to beslubber our
311 garments with it and swear it was the blood
312 of true men. I did that I did not this seven year
313 before, I blushed to hear his monstrous devices.
314 O villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen years
315 ago, and wert taken with the manner, and ever since
316 thou hast blushed extempore. Thou hadst fire and
317 sword on thy side, and yet thou rannest away: what
318 instinct hadst thou for it?
319 My lord, do you see these meteors? do
320 you behold these exhalations?
321 I do.
322 What think you they portend?
323 Hot livers and cold purses.
324 Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.
325 No, if rightly taken, halter.
326 Here comes lean Jack, here comes bare-bone.
327 How now, my sweet creature of bombast!
328 How long is't ago, Jack, since thou sawest thine own knee?
329 My own knee! when I was about thy years, Hal, I
330 was not an eagle's talon in the waist; I could have
331 crept into any alderman's thumb-ring: a plague of
332 sighing and grief! it blows a man up like a bladder.
333 There's villanous news abroad: here was Sir John
334 Bracy from your father; you must to the court in
335 the morning. That same mad fellow of the north,
336 Percy, and he of Wales, that gave Amamon the
337 bastinado and made Lucifer cuckold and swore
338 the devil his true liegeman upon the cross of a
339 Welsh hookwhat a plague call you him?
340 O, Glendower.
341 Owen, Owen, the same; and his son-in-law
342 Mortimer, and old Northumberland, and that
343 sprightly Scot of Scots, Douglas, that runs o'
344 horseback up a hill perpendicular,
345 He that rides at high speed and with
346 his pistol kills a sparrow flying.
347 You have hit it.
348 So did he never the sparrow.
349 Well, that rascal hath good mettle
350 in him; he will not run.
351 Why, what a rascal art thou then,
352 to praise him so for running!
353 O' horseback, ye cuckoo; but
354 afoot he will not budge a foot.
355 Yes, Jack, upon instinct.
356 I grant ye, upon instinct. Well, he is there too,
357 and one Mordake, and a thousand blue-caps
358 more: Worcester is stolen away tonight; thy
359 father's beard is turned white with the news: you
360 may buy land now as cheap as stinking mackerel.
361 Why, then, it is like, if there come a hot June and
362 this civil buffeting hold, we shall buy maidenheads
363 as they buy hob-nails, by the hundreds.
364 By the mass, lad, thou sayest true; it is like we
365 shall have good trading that way. But tell me,
366 Hal, art not thou horrible afeard? thou being
367 heir-apparent, could the world pick thee out three
368 such enemies again as that fiend Douglas, that
369 spirit Percy, and that devil Glendower? Art thou
370 not horribly afraid? doth not thy blood thrill at it?
371 Not a whit, i' faith; I lack some of
372 thy instinct.
373 Well, thou wert be horribly chid tomorrow
374 when thou comest to thy father: if thou love
375 me, practice an answer.
376 Do thou stand for my father, and examine me
377 upon the particulars of my life.
378 Shall I? content: this chair shall be my state, this
379 dagger my sceptre, and this cushion my crown.
380 Thy state is taken for a joined-stool, thy golden
381 sceptre for a leaden dagger, and thy precious rich
382 crown for a pitiful bald crown!
383 Well, an the fire of grace be not quite out of thee,
384 now shalt thou be moved. Give me a cup of sack to
385 make my eyes look red, that it may be thought I
386 have wept; for I must speak in passion, and I will
387 do it in King Cambyses' vein.
388 Well, here is my leg.
389 And here is my speech. Stand aside, nobility.
390 O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i' faith!
391 Weep not, sweet queen; for trickling tears are vain.
392 O, the father, how he holds his countenance!
393 For God's sake, lords, convey my tristful queen;
394 For tears do stop the flood-gates of her eyes.
395 O Jesu, he doth it as like one of these
396 harlotry players as ever I see!
397 Peace, good pint-pot; peace, good tickle-brain. Harry,
398 I do not only marvel where thou spendest thy time,
399 but also how thou art accompanied: for though the
400 camomile, the more it is trodden on the faster it
401 grows, yet youth, the more it is wasted the sooner
402 it wears. That thou art my son, I have partly thy
403 mother's word, partly my own opinion, but chiefly
404 a villanous trick of thine eye and a foolish-hanging
405 of thy nether lip, that doth warrant me. If then thou
406 be son to me, here lies the point; why, being son to
407 me, art thou so pointed at? Shall the blessed sun of
408 heaven prove a micher and eat blackberries? a
409 question not to be asked. Shall the son of England
410 prove a thief and take purses? a question to be asked.
411 There is a thing, Harry, which thou hast often heard
412 of and it is known to many in our land by the name
413 of pitch: this pitch, as ancient writers do report, doth
414 defile; so doth the company thou keepest: for, Harry,
415 now I do not
speak to thee in drink but in tears, not
416 in pleasure but in passion, not in words only, but
417 in woes also: and yet there is a virtuous man whom
418 I have often noted in thy company, but I know not his
420 What manner of man, an it
421 like your majesty?
422 A goodly portly man, i' faith, and a corpulent; of a
423 cheerful look, a pleasing eye and a most noble carriage;
424 and, as I think, his age some fifty, or, by'r lady, inclining
425 to three score; and now I remember me, his name is
426 Falstaff: if that man should be lewdly given, he deceiveth
427 me; for, Harry, I see virtue in his looks. If then the
428 tree may be known by the fruit, as the fruit by the
429 tree, then, peremptorily I speak it, there is virtue
430 in that Falstaff: him keep with, the rest banish.
431 And tell me now, thou naughty varlet, tell me,
432 where hast thou been this month?
433 Dost thou speak like a king? Do thou stand
434 for me, and I'll play my father.
435 Depose me? if thou dost it half so gravely, so
436 majestically, both in word and matter, hang me up
437 by the heels for a rabbit-sucker or a poulter's hare.
438 Well, here I am set.
439 And here I stand: judge, my masters.
440 Now, Harry, whence come you?
441 My noble lord, from Eastcheap.
442 The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.
443 'Sblood, my lord, they are false: nay, I'll
444 tickle ye for a young prince, i' faith.
445 Swearest thou, ungracious boy? henceforth ne'er
446 look on me. Thou art violently carried away from
447 grace: there is a devil haunts thee in the likeness of
448 an old fat man; a tun of man is thy companion. Why
449 dost thou converse with that trunk of humors, that
450 bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of
451 dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed
452 cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with
453 the pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey
454 iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?
455 Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and drink
456 it? wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a capon
457 and eat it? wherein cunning, but in craft? wherein
458 crafty, but in villany? wherein villanous, but in
459 all things? wherein worthy, but in nothing?
460 I would your grace would take me
461 with you: whom means your grace?
462 That villanous abominable misleader of youth,
463 Falstaff, that old white-bearded Satan.
464 My lord, the man I know.
465 I know thou dost.
466 But to say I know more harm in him than in myself,
467 were to say more than I know. That he is old, the
468 more the pity, his white hairs do witness it; but
469 that he is, saving your reverence, a whoremaster,
470 that I utterly deny. If sack and sugar be a fault,
471 God help the wicked! if to be old and merry be a
472 sin, then many an old host that I know is damned:
473 if to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaoh's lean kine
474 are to be loved. No, my good lord; banish Peto,
475 banish Bardolph, banish Poins: but for sweet Jack
476 Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff, valiant
477 Jack Falstaff, and therefore more valiant, being, as
478 he is, old Jack Falstaff, banish not him thy Harry's
479 company, banish not him thy Harry's company:
480 banish plump Jack, and banish all the world.
481 I do, I will.
482 O, my lord, my lord! the sheriff with a most
483 monstrous watch is at the door.
484 Out, ye rogue! Play out the play: I have much to
485 say in the behalf of that Falstaff.
486 O Jesu, my lord, my lord!
487 Heigh, heigh! the devil rides upon a
488 fiddlestick: what's the matter?
489 The sheriff and all the watch are at the door: they
490 are come to search the house. Shall I let them in?
491 Dost thou hear, Hal? never call a true piece of
492 gold a counterfeit: thou art essentially made,
493 without seeming so.
494 And thou a natural coward, without instinct.
495 I deny your major: if you will deny the sheriff,
496 so; if not, let him enter: if I become not a cart
497 as well as another man, a plague on my bringing
498 up! I hope I shall as soon be strangled with a
499 halter as another.
500 Go, hide thee behind the arras: the rest walk up
501 above. Now, my masters, for a true face and good
503 Both which I have had: but their date is out, and
504 therefore I'll hide me.
505 Call in the sheriff.
506 Now, master sheriff, what is your will with me?
507 First, pardon me, my lord. A hue and cry
508 Hath follow'd certain men unto this house.
509 What men?
510 One of them is well known, my gracious lord,
511 A gross fat man.
511 As fat as butter.
512 The man, I do assure you, is not here;
513 For I myself at this time have employ'd him.
514 And, sheriff, I will engage my word to thee
515 That I will, by tomorrow dinner-time,
516 Send him to answer thee, or any man,
517 For any thing he shall be charged withal:
518 And so let me entreat you leave the house.
519 I will, my lord. There are two gentlemen
520 Have in this robbery lost three hundred marks.
521 It may be so: if he have robb'd these men,
522 He shall be answerable; and so farewell.
523 Good night, my noble lord.
524 I think it is good morrow, is it not?
525 Indeed, my lord, I think it be two o'clock.
526 This oily rascal is known as well
527 as Paul's. Go, call him forth.
528 Falstaff!Fast asleep behind the
529 arras, and snorting like a horse.
530 Hark, how hard he fetches breath.
531 Search his pockets.
532 What hast thou found?
533 Nothing but papers, my lord.
534 Let's see what they be: read them.
535 Item, A capon, . . . 2s. 2d.
536 Item, Sauce, . . . 4d.
537 Item, Sack, two gallons, . . . 5s. 8d.
538 Item, Anchovies and sack after supper, . . . 2s. 6d.
539 Item, Bread, . . . ob.
540 O monstrous! but one half-penny-worth of bread
541 to this intolerable deal of sack! What there is else,
542 keep close; we'll read it at more advantage: there
543 let him sleep till day. I'll to the court in the morning.
544 We must all to the wars, and thy place shall be
545 honorable. I'll procure this fat rogue a charge of
546 foot; and I know his death will be a march of
547 twelve-score. The money shall be paid back again
548 with advantage. Be with me betimes in the
549 morning; and so, good morrow, Peto.
550 Good morrow, good my lord.
|1 Henry IV Navigator||Scene Index||Notes||Previous Scene||Next Scene|