As You Like It: Act 5, Scene 4

           Enter DUKE SENIOR, AMIENS,

  1   Dost thou believe, Orlando, that the boy
  2   Can do all this that he hath promised?

  3   I sometimes do believe, and sometimes do not;
  4   As those that fear they hope, and know they fear.

           Enter ROSALIND, SILVIUS, and PHEBE.

  5   Patience once more, whiles our compact is urg'd:
  6   You say, if I bring in your Rosalind,
  7   You will bestow her on Orlando here?

  8   That would I, had I kingdoms to give with her.

  9   And you say, you will have her, when I bring her?

 10   That would I, were I of all kingdoms king.

 11   You say, you'll marry me, if I be willing?

 12   That will I, should I die the hour after.

 13   But if you do refuse to marry me,
 14   You'll give yourself to this most faithful shepherd?

 15   So is the bargain.

 16   You say, that you'll have Phebe, if she will?

 17   Though to have her and death were both one thing.

 18   I have promised to make all this matter even.
 19   Keep you your word, O duke, to give your daughter;
 20   You yours, Orlando, to receive his daughter:
 21   Keep your word, Phebe, that you'll marry me,
 22   Or else refusing me, to wed this shepherd:
 23   Keep your word, Silvius, that you'll marry her.
 24   If she refuse me: and from hence I go,
 25   To make these doubts all even.

           Exeunt ROSALIND and CELIA.

 26   I do remember in this shepherd boy
 27   Some lively touches of my daughter's favour.

 28   My lord, the first time that I ever saw him
 29   Methought he was a brother to your daughter:
 30   But, my good lord, this boy is forest-born,
 31   And hath been tutor'd in the rudiments
 32   Of many desperate studies by his uncle,
 33   Whom he reports to be a great magician,
 34   Obscured in the circle of this forest.

           Enter Clown [TOUCHSTONE] and AUDREY.

 35   There is, sure, another flood toward, and these
 36   couples are coming to the ark. Here comes a pair of
 37   very strange beasts, which in all tongues are called
 38   fools.

 39   Salutation and greeting to you all!

 40   Good my lord, bid him welcome: this is the
 41   motley-minded gentleman that I have so often met
 42   in the forest: he hath been a courtier, he swears.

 43   If any man doubt that, let him put me to my
 44   purgation. I have trod a measure; I have flattered
 45   a lady; I have been politic with my friend, smooth
 46   with mine enemy; I have undone three tailors; I
 47   have had four quarrels, and like to have fought one.

 48   And how was that ta'en up?

 49   Faith, we met, and found the quarrel was upon
 50   the seventh cause.

 51   How seventh cause? Good my lord, like this
 52   fellow.

 53   I like him very well.

 54   God 'ild you, sir; I desire you of the like. I
 55   press in here, sir, amongst the rest of the country
 56   copulatives, to swear and to forswear: according
 57   as marriage binds and blood breaks: a poor virgin,
 58   sir, an ill-favoured thing, sir, but mine own; a poor
 59   humour of mine, sir, to take that that no man else
 60   will: rich honesty dwells like a miser, sir, in a
 61   poor house; as your pearl in your foul oyster.

 62   By my faith, he is very swift and sententious.

 63   According to the fool's bolt, sir, and such dulcet
 64   diseases.

 65   But, for the seventh cause; how did you find
 66   the quarrel on the seventh cause?

 67   Upon a lie seven times removed—bear your
 68   body more seeming, Audrey—as thus, sir. I
 69   did dislike the cut of a certain courtier's beard:
 70   he sent me word, if I said his beard was not cut
 71   well, he was in the mind it was: this is called the
 72   Retort Courteous. If I sent him word again 'it was
 73   not well cut,' he would send me word, he cut it
 74   to please himself: this is called the Quip Modest.
 75   If again 'it was not well cut,' he disabled my
 76   judgment: this is called the Reply Churlish. If
 77   again 'it was not well cut,' he would answer, I
 78   spake not true: this is called the Reproof Valiant.
 79   If again 'it was not well cut,' he would say I lied:
 80   this is called the Countercheck Quarrelsome:
 81   and so to the Lie Circumstantial and the Lie
 82   Direct.

 83   And how oft did you say his beard was not well
 84   cut?

 85   I durst go no further than the Lie Circumstantial,
 86   nor he durst not give me the Lie Direct; and so we
 87   measured swords and parted.

 88   Can you nominate in order now the degrees of the
 89   lie?

 90   O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book; as you have
 91   books for good manners: I will name you the degrees.
 92   The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the
 93   Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the
 94   fourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, the
 95   Countercheck Quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lie with
 96   Circumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct. All
 97   these you may avoid but the Lie Direct; and you may
 98   avoid that too, with an If. I knew when seven
 99   justices could not take up a quarrel, but when the
100   parties were met themselves, one of them thought
101   but of an If, as, 'If you said so, then I said so;' and
102   they shook hands and swore brothers. Your If is the
103   only peacemaker; much virtue in If.

104   Is not this a rare fellow, my lord? he's as good at
105   any thing and yet a fool.

106   He uses his folly like a stalking-horse and under
107   the presentation of that he shoots his wit.

***        Enter HYMEN, ROSALIND, and CELIA.

           Still Music.

108         Then is there mirth in heaven,
109         When earthly things made even
110             Atone together.
111         Good duke, receive thy daughter
112         Hymen from heaven brought her,
113             Yea, brought her hither,
114         That thou mightst join her hand with his
115         Whose heart within his bosom is.

           [To Duke Senior.]
116   To you I give myself, for I am yours.
           [To Orlando.]
117   To you I give myself, for I am yours.

118   If there be truth in sight, you are my daughter.

119   If there be truth in sight, you are my Rosalind.

120   If sight and shape be true,
121   Why then, my love adieu!

           [To Duke Senior.]
122   I'll have no father, if you be not he:
           [To Orlando.]
123   I'll have no husband, if you be not he:
           [To Phebe.]
124   Nor ne'er wed woman, if you be not she.

125         Peace, ho! I bar confusion:
126         'Tis I must make conclusion
127             Of these most strange events:
128         Here's eight that must take hands
129         To join in Hymen's bands,
130             If truth holds true contents.
           [To Orlando and Rosalind.]
131         You and you no cross shall part:
           [To Oliver and Celia.]
132         You and you are heart in heart
           [To Phebe.]
133         You to his love must accord,
134         Or have a woman to your lord:
           [To Touchstone and Audrey.]
135         You and you are sure together,
136         As the winter to foul weather.
           [To all four couples.]
137         Whiles a wedlock-hymn we sing,
138         Feed yourselves with questioning;
139         That reason wonder may diminish,
140         How thus we met, and these things finish.

141         Wedding is great Juno's crown:
142             O blessed bond of board and bed!
143         'Tis Hymen peoples every town;
144             High wedlock then be honoured:
145         Honour, high honour and renown,
146         To Hymen, god of every town!

147   O my dear niece, welcome thou art to me!
148   Even daughter, welcome, in no less degree.

149   I will not eat my word, now thou art mine;
150   Thy faith my fancy to thee doth combine.

           Enter Second Brother [JAQUES DE BOYS].

151   Let me have audience for a word or two:
152   I am the second son of old Sir Rowland,
153   That bring these tidings to this fair assembly.
154   Duke Frederick, hearing how that every day
155   Men of great worth resorted to this forest,
156   Address'd a mighty power; which were on foot,
157   In his own conduct, purposely to take
158   His brother here and put him to the sword:
159   And to the skirts of this wild wood he came;
160   Where meeting with an old religious man,
161   After some question with him, was converted
162   Both from his enterprise and from the world,
163   His crown bequeathing to his banish'd brother,
164   And all their lands restored to them again
165   That were with him exiled. This to be true,
166   I do engage my life.

166                                   Welcome, young man;
167   Thou offer'st fairly to thy brothers' wedding:
168   To one his lands withheld, and to the other
169   A land itself at large, a potent dukedom.
170   First, in this forest, let us do those ends
171   That here were well begun and well begot:
172   And after, every of this happy number
173   That have endured shrewd days and nights with us
174   Shall share the good of our returned fortune,
175   According to the measure of their states.
176   Meantime, forget this new-fall'n dignity
177   And fall into our rustic revelry.
178   Play, music! And you, brides and bridegrooms all,
179   With measure heap'd in joy, to the measures fall.

180   Sir, by your patience. If I heard you rightly,
181   The duke hath put on a religious life
182   And thrown into neglect the pompous court?

183   He hath.

184   To him will I : out of these convertites
185   There is much matter to be heard and learn'd.

           [To DUKE SENIOR.]
186   You to your former honour I bequeath;
187   Your patience and your virtue well deserves it:

           [To ORLANDO.]
188   You to a love that your true faith doth merit:

           [To OLIVER.]
189   You to your land and love and great allies:

           [To SILVIUS.]
190   You to a long and well-deserved bed:

           [To TOUCHSTONE.]
191   And you to wrangling; for thy loving voyage
192   Is but for two months victuall'd. So, to your pleasures:
193   I am for other than for dancing measures.

194   Stay, Jaques, stay.

195   To see no pastime I. What you would have
196   I'll stay to know at your abandon'd cave.